Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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