I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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