So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
