I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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