I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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