We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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