I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize