my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
