Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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