Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
