is your mom at the bar?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
