I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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