I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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