remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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