My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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