my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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