dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
