I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
