Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
