i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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