i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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