apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Dear god my vagina.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
