dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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