How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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