I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
