____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
