Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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