My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
