She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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