After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
