It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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