i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you traded sex for a burrito?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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