So drunk, too bad you don't want this
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
if i died would you start the facebook group?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
