that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize