Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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