I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
