I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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