You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
