I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize