So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
