This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
