hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
