dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
