I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
