i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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