some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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