DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sacagawea was the original milf.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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