Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
