Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
