In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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