how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
