I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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