My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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