never play flip cup with pint glasses
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
