...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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