Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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