i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
