My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
