Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
