First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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