there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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