You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
