I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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